Depression Hurts, Part 9

Author name withheld

After a 1 ½ yr search for new employment our prayers were answered.  Finally, Husband was able to secure full-time employment, the dream job-with a university, not all that far from where we had previously lived.  We moved this past summer.  The job, better than anything we could have imagined, embodying the best from his past two.  The past years of hell had been preparing us for where we truly were to arrive.  Husband would only have to commute 4 minutes to and from work, fantastic management, new facilities and a positive work environment with room for advancement!  I landed my dream job and only have to commute 4 minutes as well and have an equally great work environment!  Oh yes, pinch me please.

While watching the final episode of Oprah, she made mention of keeping a gratitude journal and to record our “aha moments” and to most importantly “dig deep to find your sense of self and to find you”.  This struck a chord with me.  In all of our family drama I had lost myself.  I had stopped taking care of me.  With this revelation I began to allow myself the things I used to.   I became an active participant in the autumn change around me and craved the colorful canopy of fall leaves and crisp fall air while on outings around the lake with the puppy.  I began to plan outings for me and the kiddos.   Husband began to plan outings with the kiddos.  My “aha moment” has I think been gradual in its evolution yet a moment none the less.

I am pleased to report that Husband has reached a point where all of his wellness resources have come together, all working in harmony with each other.  Depression was officially diagnosed “in remission” and the anxiety is successfully being managed allowing the sun to shine in our home, most days.  The gaming console has taken a much, much lesser role in our daily lives and his ability to place himself  in social situations such as church is improving and regular.  Although the anxiety is still present, the crushing grip it had in our lives has been broken.  Husband asked if I would like to attend his work Christmas party!  We went, stayed and actually enjoyed the entire event…including the socializing!  Only with the guidance of a loving Heavenly Father and our love for each other could we have come through this as we have.

We mastered the gluten-free diet, finally.  To our surprise, recent blood tests indicate that he does not have Celiac and that he may have never had it.  Two separate tests done months apart both resulted the same findings.  With all that was going on at the time; results could have been produced causing a false positive.  Only time will tell.

Despite our trials and tribulations, Husband and I recognize that our plight could have been much worse than it was.  I have a husband who is alive; I have children who are healthy.   For me, if my family is happy and healthy, I am happy and healthy.   Having a renewed interest in myself comes as a bonus, a refreshing one at that.

I am grateful for the many health professionals whom we have worked with.  We expect that along our journey there will be setbacks, as there are with everything.  However, we are now armed with the tools needed to work through the bumps and get ourselves back on the path forward.

I am eternally grateful for a husband who strives to choose the right and that he was able to recognize that he needed help.  Recognizing there was a problem was half the battle.  I am grateful for honesty and good communication and that my husband will listen to the counselors and professionals that are part of his wellness team and that he listens to me.   I am grateful that he seeks to improve himself…for himself, for me and for his children.

I know that God lives, He is our Heavenly Father and He loves us very, very much.  I know that His son, Jesus Christ died for us, so that we could return to live again in His presence.  I am grateful that He has made up for all that I am lacking.  I am grateful for Holy Scripture and that I can bring myself closer to God through reading them.  And I am grateful for prayer.

Finally, I would like to share a letter that I wrote to my husband shortly after the final Oprah show, just before we moved.  I don’t know quite what inspired Miss O to say the things she did, but on that day, she said everything I needed to hear.  I took meticulous notes of her words and reworked some of her thoughts with some of mine into a letter I shared with Husband feeling they were words he needed to hear too.

To my Husband,

I, more than anything, wanted to write down a few of my thoughts and express to you my love and appreciation for you, our marriage and all that we have together.

To reflect upon our 13 years of wedded bliss, I couldn’t be more proud of you and all that you have overcome, conquered, fought and won.  My heart has ached to watch you struggle and find your inner happy and sense of worthiness.   I have often begged of the Lord to “strengthen you up so that you may find your path, your calling in life, and to feel worthy to own the life you were created for.   Your calling will light you up letting you know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that’s exactly what you are supposed to be doing”.  I feel, for the first time, that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that you are on the path to where you are supposed to be going.

I have heard it said that “There is a difference between thinking you deserve to be happy and knowing you are worthy of happiness.  We often block our won blessings because we don’t feel inherently good enough, or smart enough or worthy enough.  You are worthy because you were born and because you are here.  You alone are enough”.

“I see and hear God speaking to you, whether you hear it or not.  Wait, and listen for the guidance that is greater than your meager mind.  God is love, and God is Life, and your life is always speaking to you.   Subtle whispers.  What are the subtle whispers in your life whispering to you? And, will you hear it?  What is it saying?  What will you do with it”?

I feel that we have arrived at the place where we are to rest our family for a time, that all may grow and shine.  You are a light, a bright light, to me and to our daughter and son.  We look to you for guidance, comfort, cuddles and hugs.  And back rubs.  As your wife, my heart delights and tears swell to see you engaging in life, playing with our kids and showing them tender kindness.  Be it helping our son ride his bike or endlessly rebuilding Legos or counseling our daughter about boys or making friends.

Newton’s 3rd law of motion says, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.

I love that our little peoples delight in spending time and learning from you and that they want more. I delight in spending time with you and learning from you, listening to you laugh and find your “inner happy”.  You are the Patriarch of our family, you teach and guide us and you receive inspiration, and you receive in direct proportion to how you give.  I will strive to give more and follow your example and guidance as we follow the Lords example.

I have heard it said that “everyone wants and needs validation, wants to be heard, wants to know…do you see me, do you hear me, does what I say mean anything to you”?   I need you to know that I see you; I hear you and what you say means everything to me.  I thank you for the small and simple acts of kindness you provide;  I thank you for the large ones too.  I thank you for being flexible, even when you don’t want to be.  I thank you for remembering that I love flowers and for making them appear on our anniversary eve and that no bouquet of flower, no matter how grand or small, would be complete without the appropriate chocolate to accompany them.  I thank you for the nightly pillow talk and words of encouragement.  I am thankful for many things.  Mostly, I am thankful that you were brave enough to make secret plans with my dad and drive across multiple states, just so you could ask me to be your wife.

Finally, at the end of the day, after you have come to bed and fallen asleep, thus waking me up…I will lie quietly and offer up thanks that I have been blessed with a husband as wonderful as you.  Then, you will start snoring, very loudly.  And I will smile to myself, and give thanks that I have you, alive, safely by my side.

I love you with all that I have and we will move forward, together, forever.

Photo Credit:  “Love Locks” by Wanderlinse and  “Love, Amor, Aimer, Amore” by Camdiluv